Foolish Dreams
by Trawniki
Summary: Moping!Subaru. Post final day, kind of hints of SeishiroSubaru.


And All That Could Have Been 

**By Trawniki**

**Disclaimer:** The characters of X/1999 don't belong to me. If they did, certain things wouldn't have happened to them. ;;

That night, Ueno Park was silent. Even the wind had curled up to sleep on a branch of a blossoming cherry tree, and the noise of the city was only a distant whisper lost somewhere in the dusk. The 13th head of the Sumeragi clan was heading for the center of the park, his hands tucked deep in his black trenchcoat's pockets.

White clothes didn't come in too handy these days, he had noticed. Spending a couple of hours trying to get rid of the blood stains on the light fabric soon after his first job had been enough. So he had gone to buy a new coat, choosing the very first one he saw.

Sure, black clothes helped him to hide himself from the eyes of his preys, and he had worn the white one for too many years anyway. That was what he used to tell himself.

These days, he was the predator whose job was to annihilate the targets considered troublesome or dangerous by the government. It had sounded so simple. The people he hunted down got what they deserved and there was nothing wrong with what he did, but somehow he always managed to feel guilty afterwards.

Hadn't he already proven himself he could take someone's life without hesitation? Didn't that mean anything?

Subaru leaned on the Tree, slowly closing his eyes. The rough old bark felt familiar. Not friendly, but familiar.

There were no more assignments for the night. He knew the Tree wasn't pleased with the fact, but it didn't complain either. It never did, no matter how hungry it was or how bad he did in his job.

Sometimes Subaru even ignored his duties on purpose and came to the Tree without his victims, desperately waiting for a punishment he well deserved, and all it ever gave him was that silent feeling of dissatisfaction.

He couldn't help wondering if it had ever said something to its former master, ever shown any signs of acceptance or recognition.

Maybe he just wasn't worth its attention and yet, it was the only company he had.

Probably it made him just a little pitiful, or, to be more precise, a little crazy. Trees weren't like pets. They didn't learn things like that and nor did they love, especially not this one. It was older than any other thing he knew, old and clever and greedy. Always hungry.

A soft sigh escaped from his lips, as he let himself slide to the ground, drawing his knees up to his chest.

No one would come to the park this late, so he didn't have to worry about being seen.

He didn't have to worry at all, since there was no one who could see him the way he wanted to be seen. The only reason left for his existence was the Tree, and it couldn't have cared less. It had neither the eyes nor the heart to see.

( When had his wrists become this bony? )

He wasn't sure if Seishiro had had them either.

To him, the new chance given to the world had lost its worth at the moment the price had been revealed. Too many lives dear to him had had to be sacrificed for it, and carrying their memories within his heart was a burden that reminded him of the solitude he would have to bear the rest of his life.

He had lied to Kamui back then. Memories of the persons precious to him didn't give him any strength, it was forgetting that did.

But Subaru couldn't forget.

Maybe he didn't even want to. After all, memories were all that he still had.

The grass was getting damp from the dew.

Subaru shivered.

He had been so foolish back then, daring to dream of such things.

He had dreamed of going on a date, walking hand in hand in the park when no one would notice them or care.

Dreamed of taking photographs of their holiday trips.

Dreamed of making dinner and then washing the dishes together, it wouldn't have had to be anything complicated. Just the simple joy of being with that man would have been enough.

The howling of an ambulance pierced his ears. Maybe there had been a traffic accident, Subaru didn't know and he didn't care.

Somehow those stupid, rosy daydreams had turned into a wish to either kill or be killed.

His wish had been fullfilled and yet, he wasn't happy.

He missed Seishiro.

He missed Hokuto.

He missed even Kamui, missed those huge eyes filled with anger and fear and the quivering heart that had held enough love and courage to save the mankind. It had cost the boy his life and still, Subaru found himself being jealous.

Kamui had died for the sake of the one he loved. It had been beautiful and the right thing to do.

He, on the other hand, had killed the one he loved and there was nothing beautiful in it.

He was a coward who wasn't brave enough to end his own life. It was because he knew he wouldn't continue existing in someone else's heart once he was gone.

There was no one to cherish those painful memories after him.

So he would go on.

He would continue existing.


End file.
